• an anonymous roarheart

SEXY SEX: YOU CAN'T TOUCH

Updated: Aug 31, 2019


Trigger warning: mentions sexy sex.

You can't touch me!

I'm so grateful I'm not in a relationship.

No pressure to be touched.

To touch.

Or be Sexy Sex.

With someone.

AT ALL!

FREEDOM PLUS!!! Free of:

Guilt. Shame. Panic. Confusion. Pressure.

Rejection. Coercion. Put down. Blame.

I had no idea throughout,

Most of my life,

I was Tactile Defensive.

I thought I was a really affectionate.

I wondered why my parent,

Said a few years ago,

After I hugged them,


"Oh, that's different!"


Me: "What?"


Parent: "You don't do that very often".



I hugged if I felt it was socially expected.

There were plenty of awkward moments,

Miscalculations.

Hit and misses.

Do we hug?

Don't we hug?

Do we do the peck on cheek?

Or not?

Painful and exhausting to navigate.

So I guess with my parent,

Who I know loves me no matter what,

I didn't feel like I had to perform.

My parents are my safe people.

Like I'm my child's safe person.

In relationships Tactile Defensive

Was a MAJOR ISSUE!

And loads of unnecessary suffering.

A diagnosis, a label,

In situations like these,

Would have helped immensely.

I would not have berated myself,

For something I CANNOT control.

I would cringe and feel rage.

When touched.

Especially softly!!


And I didn't know why.

I always felt BAD!

My partners felt rejected,

When I would:

Flinch.


Move away.


Make excuses.

Say No.


Freeze.


Or snap at them.

I thought it was because I was,

Sexually assaulted as a child,


(That too impacts sexy sex)

Or was the effects of,

Constant sexually inappropriate,

Comments made,

About me,

Around me.

Or by society.

That made me this way.

Women friends would tell me:

My partners would get with others,

If I didn't give them sexy sex.

That they needed Sexy Sex,

To feel loved.

The parters said things like:


"I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than not have sex"

"I'll leave you"


"My friends think I'm a legend for being with you".



The list goes on.

I tolerated the intolerable.

But not anymore.

Artwork: montage, acrylic and pen.

#Roarheart #TactileDefensive

#SexySex

#SexySexAndTactileDefensive

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