*Trigger warning: violence, cruelty of animals*
Gaslighting was often used.
They’d put me down, called me names and said confusing things to put doubt in my mind. They scared me and many other things when I wouldn’t do what they wanted. I was intimidated by them. [Anger Pressure]. I still am. They are much taller and bigger than I am. They can be a very angry person. They have hard boots and doesn’t mind kicking instead of punching. I’m more built like a twig. Of course, I’m intimidated. Just by their size and strength. They are super smart and use their brains to twist mine.
Intimidation is not just a partner thing.
Manipulation was how we rolled. Forget talking honestly about our feelings. The person in a position of power used it and used it well. It was normal then and it’s still normal now. Even when I knew they loved me.
"Intimidation includes smashing things, destroying possessions, putting a fist through the wall, handling of guns or other weapons, using intimidating body language (angry looks, raised voice), hostile questioning of the victim or reckless driving of the vehicle with the victim in the car. It may also include harassing the victim at the workplace either by making persistent phone calls or sending text messages or emails, following the person to and from work or loitering near their workplace."
Sibling, parental, elderly abuse happens far more often than I ever knew.
I certainly didn't know how UN–ALONE I really was… but it definitely felt like it at the time. Kerry once told me they locked my kitten between the front fly wire door for hours at a time. They thought it was entertaining to torment my kitten. This explained why my beautiful little kitten became a wildcat that I couldn't look after anymore.
I was shocked.
I was beyond disturbed however because they were like family and I loved them I continued our relationship as normal. [Stayed on The Spinning Wheel of Anger Pressure]. Kerry enjoyed laughing about the animals they killed. I still have her detailed descriptions and images in my head.
Kerry was so smart.
I remember Kerry singing songs to me. Tears well up in my eyes as I now think of it. I felt so loved by them. I believe they did and perhaps still does love me now. Kerry was a bit wild and I just accepted that about them. I'd think 'if only people knew how wonderful they really were – they wouldn't judge them by their bullshit'.
I had to stop getting into the car with them.
They scared me when they drove. They thought it was funny losing control of the car. Once they nearly ploughed into a cement pole and the last time; a parked truck. Not to mention I jumped on the back of their motorbike without a helmet (I KNOW CRAZY!) flying down a dirt road. That was it. Never again. Good decision there - finally!
But I trusted them. I just did.
I was accustomed to saying 'YES' without considering my needs. I was accustomed to saying ‘YES’ when I felt intimidated and not safe. [I said 'YES' when I needed to say 'NO']
Yep. I still do that now.
A big cycle to change. Not going to happen overnight. However, I am willing to make changes to make it happen. What’s amazing is even though being manipulated still feels normal my Roarheart always knows something's not right. Something is “off” when I am being manipulated and/or intimidated. The effects of another’s intimidation or manipulation puts me “off” trusting my Roarheart – my intuition.
That’s the point of manipulation: to distract me from looking after myself.
To distract me from questioning what is going on, ignore myself, my needs, my thoughts and feelings in order to do whatever the other person wants me to do. [CHANGE MY 'NO' TO A 'YES'] So I guess I need to stay alert to when things feel “off” and when I think I should abandon it.
That’s the time to LISTEN TO IT!
May I listen to my Roarheart when I feel something is “off”. I can journal it, talk about it or just feel it. But whatever I do, may I not ignore it. Intimidation is not normal. It is unhealthy. It is about pressure. [ANGER TACTIC]. Pressure on someone to do something they don’t want to do. [To change my 'NO' to a 'YES']. I have choices – always. I may make decisions on feeling pressured. I can always change my mind. I can always reflect, review and revive mistakes made by making new decisions today and tomorrow. First things first.
I’m to learn that intimidation is a TACTIC to control me and it is not of love by another's struggle with my autonomy.
Another's intimidation is not about me. It is not mine. May I see with new eyes. See what people are doing, not what they are saying they are doing. Trust my Roarheart it is my intuition. No words. Just a feeling.
And a really important one.
STRETCH _ EMBRACE _ SOAR
Whether I accept this or not,
it is still true,
that I, my child and/or my family are autonomous
where we are required to make decisions that are right for us
despite another's need to use Anger Pressure Tactics
to get what they want
INTRAPERSONAL CREATIVE QUEST
To love, trust, revel and lead with our beautiful autistic minds
through knowing and acting on our Roarheart
the inner inexplainable knowledge and truth
~ our intuition ~
Reflect and create a picture or journal the answer to;
Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?
Share with another anything discovered in the Sacred Writing/Creating.
Do I change my 'NO' to a 'YES' when others use Anger Pressuring Tactics to change my mind for something they want?
I pause with quiet reflection upon how I am thinking and feeling when I am change my 'NO' to a 'YES'.
TODAY’S THANK YOU
I am willing to THANK all my regretful, angry, fearful and negative thoughts I may have about saying 'YES' when I need to say 'NO'.
I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all that I am aware of now, is how it is has meant to be – to be open to something new.
I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about, myself, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience with turning my attention toward how I feel when someone uses Anger Tactics to change my 'NO' to a 'YES'. I am open to the possibility of saying 'NO' when I need to say 'NO' respecting my child's, my or my families needs, receiving new thoughts to know, trust and acting on my Roarheart to live according to my own inexplainable knowledge and truth within.
OUT OF THE FOG – Gaslighting Intimidation, Manipulation
GAVIN DEBECKER - The Gift Of Fear