I’m doing things for myself I haven’t done.

The truth is I have a little bit of money and I feel now’s the time to spend it on some things that need attention. First I bought myself my favourite perfume. I’ve been wanting it for 20 years. It’s something which is to remind me to say kind things to myself. Hard to do during a separation.

Second, one morning I decided I wouldn’t wear my crappy bras anymore.

I have a boob which is at least two sizes bigger than the other. It drives me crazy. My bras don’t fit properly except for this one bra that cost $100 that I was wearing all the time. I hate going into lingerie shops. I feel so vulnerable. So uncomfortable. So exposed [I feel pressure!]. I just can’t buy a bra from a shop. So this particular morning I resigned to accepting I’ll only wear one bra forever.

The same day my girlfriend invited me to her place.

She had a lingerie party happening and it was the same brand as the $100 bra I had!! I gladly went along with the plan to only buy one bra. When I arrived and read through the catalogue. I realised I spend a lot of money on bras that don’t fit and are painfully uncomfortable. H autism myself, I have sensory issues. So the bigger boob touching my skin because it hangs down DRIVES ME NUTS! Bras that don’t fit right drives me nuts. The fabric must be soft but feel right on my skin or I go nuts. When I say nuts I become really irritable, restless and discontented.

I just can’t get on with the day if clothing doesn’t sit right on my skin [tactile defensive]

Well, I bought more than one bra. I bought two bras and a night top that holds my boobs in place. I walked out having ordered $300 worth of lingerie! About time! I’m a person who believes in recycling, buying second-hand items. But when it comes to bras I sure need something that does the job. Well done me on looking after myself.

Then there are my teeth.

I was wondering why I don’t have many photos of my child. I worked it out. I don’t like my teeth. They are yellow. I love my coffee. I hide them. I know it’s not important to be the most attractive person in the world but I don’t feel good about my yellow teeth. So I made an appointment with my dentist next Friday. I’m going to have my teeth whitened and I’m really excited that from now on it will be cheap and easy to maintain afterwards.

I know I’m going nuts! I haven’t stopped here.

It’s time to be assessed for being on the autism spectrum. I believe it will be helpful when dealing with others, friends, family and professionals. I want to understand why I struggle the way I do. I want to be able to understand my difficulties so I can ask for help more regularly. I want to take the pressure off myself. When I compare myself to neurotypical people I put an extraordinary amount of pressure on myself. For example, I find looking for work or working for someone excruciating. I don’t mind work. I’m not afraid of it.

I love working.

When I’m looking after my child I’m constantly working with them, my home or my own project (creating my work online). I don’t stop and rest. But make me go out and get a job ... that’s near impossible for someone like me. I know many people on the spectrum know the experience I’m talking about. Why should I be ashamed for working only for myself, something I truly believe in, where I will work best? No one has to push me to work when I love what I do. It’s the opposite for me.

I’ll work before anything else. I LOVE IT!

But I’d just like to understand myself better than I already do. I look like someone who doesn’t struggle with what people are saying to me. But I struggle with it all the time. Max struggles with me not understanding what they say to me. Sometimes I think they think I do it deliberately. I don’t. I honestly can’t follow what they are saying. They loses me all the time. I pretend I know what they are talking about so they don’t roll his eyes.

So I don’t have to feel stupid.

When I had conversations with Child Support I explained to her I needed Max to listen too as I didn’t understand what she was talking about. She wouldn’t let Max listen so I told her I would say ‘yes’ now to everything and after I speak to someone else I can change my mind and my answers then.

There was no other way.

I just couldn’t understand what the hell she was saying no matter how many different ways she explained things. She was annoyed and that increased my anxiety and I couldn’t think [overwhelmed] so I couldn’t understand what she was saying.

Yes, it made me feel stupid.

The next phone call I told the Centrelink person that I had Max on the phone with me to help understand what was going to be explained to me about tax. She was fine with that and Max was able to explain things to me using diagrams as we went along. Oh, this was much better! I should have had an interpreter for these things throughout my whole life. This is why I put off working out my finances and other important things because I get lost when I talk with professionals.

I am looking after myself by looking after my particular needs.

In my relationship with Max, I never splurged. I was tight with our money. But now I want to take care of the things that are necessary for me. I am important. I do matter. All these things cost money. Things in life do cost money. It’s okay to spend extra money on myself when I can in order to take good care of myself.

Taking care of myself is up to me.

* note, it's a few years now since I wrote this, here's a little update:

I no longer where bra bras with wires etc as my tactile sensory system can't bare them. I wear one sport bra and a bather top, until I can find any others that feel bearable. I still don't have an autism assessment as it's beyond my financial means. An assessment is a cost up front of around $1200 - $1500! I don't need an assessment to know I am autistic or to prove to anyone that I am.

Whether or not people believe me doesn't change my awesome neurology!



Tactile Defensive System - SPD Australia

What is Dyscalculia?


SACRED CREATIVE ACTIVITIES To know, trust and act on our inner inexplainable knowledge and truth.


Reflect, share with another, create a picture or journal the answers to:

Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?


Share with another anything I may have discovered in my Sacred Writing/Creating.


What are my individual diverse personal needs?

What can I do to take care of them?


I pause with quiet reflection upon my/or my child's individualised personal diverse needs.

TODAY’S THANK YOU I am willing to THANK all my angry, fearful and negative thoughts I have.

I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all is how it is meant to be for me to be open to something new.


I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about myself, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience of knowing and looking after my needs. I am open to the possibility of knowing mine/my child's and others individualised diverse needs, receiving new thoughts to love, trust, revel and lead with my Roarheart [my own inner inexplainable knowledge and truth] learning how to know, direct and master my individualised life.