So I rang.
When I finished my morning blog, I felt nudge to speak with Zanderrs. They answered the phone! You beauty! When we arrange times to call, it doesn't always work out; however, when we call when we get a sense the time is right, we always seem to answer. How amazing is that! So that's what Zanderr suggested us to do. Just wait for our Roarheart to nudge us to call one another and trust that's the time to talk.
It's magic when I speak with them.
Zanderrs reminds me of who I am. They bring hope when I feel none and speaks a spiritual language I understand with ease. Zanderrs quietens my fears and enlivens my soul. I've got a long way to go however when we talk I feel I'm on my way again. Zanderrs encouraged me to say 'Thank You' to any experience or person I am feeling angry or hurt, believing every experience has a lesson for me to learn and a gift.
Come on! 'Thank you' is the last thing I want to say when I'm angry!
But I'm desperate to stop reacting to the other parent, so I'll give it a try. We were all at the park together. It's been over a year since my child has wanted or been able to come here. They are coming along leaps and bounds, and healing from the trauma my child's psychologist has mentioned.
On the way to the park, we stopped by the business the other parent wants to buy.
The current owner offered them to build a shop front for the walk by the public. That's the vision I shared with them that I saw this morning!!! The other parent couldn't believe it! While I was feeling jealous and angry (that I'm not a part of owning a business we dreamed of doing together) I said "thank you" to myself many times over in my mind, and it eased those painful feelings and thoughts. I then was able to say to them "It's meant to be".
The other parent: "I'm scared though".
Me: "Not if you don't pretend to know what you're doing. Just tell people straight up you've never done this before and what you've done before for hand. People will love your story and what you're doing. An inspiration to many who are thinking about changing directions in their in any direction".
I don't usually talk like that to them – I always hid that part of me.
Later in the day when at the bowling alley (after our hour session with Gunner, my child's fantastic music teacher/mentor), Scarlet rang, and we talked for a good 40 mins. She was sorry that she wasn't there for me when I took my child out of school. She admitted she negatively judged me for that decision to be the wrong thing to do.
Scarlet: "I can see how it was the right decision to help your child. They are much happier now."
She made amends for "bitching" about me with my other friends. She was going to explain why and stopped to apologise for not being supportive directly. She said she felt challenged by my decision to step away from my parent when my parent had a life-threatening illness.
She now understands that there's always more to relationships than what they might have heard or know.
Admitting what she had done allowed me to share with her how hard it was for me to respect my parents wishes to stay away. Who chose to keep my cousin, who has a long history of targeting me with their rage, by their side. I didn't have anyone who had an experience like mine.
I sensed friends and others were harshly judging me.
Other friends made it clear. I was despairing and knew my vulnerabilities to others anger and control. So I started a self-help group as a safeguard and learnt a great deal. I thanked her for her honesty as it validated my gut [intuitive] feelings. I cried as I shared with her how I was suffering from believing I was mad. Her admittance told me my sense of things [my intuition] was accurate.
What a blessing this conversation was for me today! Thank you, Zanderrs.
Being grateful changed my thoughts and turned my feelings around immediately. Gratitude open doors in my heart and mind that I couldn't open before. Zanderrs reminded me that nothing happens in the universe by mistake. "All the loses I see, and experience is also things that are happening for my greater good. Rather than see my 'losses' as 'bad' see them as opportunities for change that need to happen for good to happen in my life".
Changing my perception will improve my experience.
These words were in my head this morning; 'this time of my life, I have a rare period to heal if I chose. I could continue to spend it feeling rage and despairing (and it's okay that I have moments like that) however continually feeling these emotions are destroying my relationships and myself. I am not making things better.
I need to be better for myself and my child, who depend on me 100%.
Susie reminded me of this. That I must be well for my child, she said she has seen my self-esteem plummet to low levels and saddens her deeply. "It reminds of when you were with Jarod all those years ago. The guy who was with so many other women'".
Me: "That's where my head's been. I feel as low as that. I've lost myself."
Zanderrs said "even though it is sad and devastating that I've lost my relationships, it's time to renew who I am. Get back to who I am."
At the park, my child's other parent mocked the way I yelled out to our child.
Me: "Do you feel embarrassed by the way I said that? Do I sound I'm dumb or something?"
My other child's parent: "Yeah". Pauses. "But I'm more ocker than you are." Laughs.
Me: "Isn't it funny we can see in others what we can't see in ourselves."
We both laughed and it was like the sun come out after many winters.
We talked for a while, like friends would, where we were merely honest with one another, and it felt so good. I couldn't have done it or appreciated it to the degree I did if I had built up hurt.
Being grateful saved this moment from being robbed by fear.