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I started to freak out last night. 


Well, this morning way before the sun was up. Charlie and I had a few conversations which triggered my fears about many things. One was about our child. "There are things you do with Billie I don't agree with, but I don't say anything". 


Thanks for the vote of confidence. 


This person is not good at being compassionate or definitely not able to show compassion. If they did feel it they certainly didn't show it. This is nothing new and certainly nothing I can encourage them to do when we're no longer together. I'm just happy I allowed myself to let a big cry when I shared the memories I am processing about all the times I, the school, forced Billie to go to school and into class. All the times I used everything I had to get them out of the car with snot coming out of Billie's nose bawling their eyes out.


The terror in her eyes, knees up to her chin, begging me not to take her to school. 


She'd say to me; "Why are you doing this to me?" "Why do you keep bringing me back here? We didn't know any different. It's not your fault."

Me: "That may be true, but I still have to process the memories of those moments. This is the first time I've actually cried about this. Seven months after I've taken Billie out of school."


Charlie: "You've cried about this before."


Me: "Not these specific memories. There's a lot that happened last year. There's a lot of trauma to heal from. Do you think I'm silly?"


Charlie: "Oh bloody forget it will ya. Go away. You don't believe me."


Me: "All you need to do is say 'I'm sincere'." And this is why I don't like showing my vulnerability to Charlie. Charlie doesn't get that by responding like that after I've just done a huge cry is not helpful. Merely reassure me when I expose my vulnerability to painful experiences.


I just needed a moment – I walked away.


Charlie: "Now you're walking away from our conversation. As long as you know, I'm not the one who stopped the conversation." So I turned around and walked back. Charlie went on about we have to get Billie into a school – that she has fallen too far behind and won't be able to catch up. And tells me they don't agree with all the things I do with her. Great! 


Just what I need to know right at that moment.


Me: "I'm not going to talk about that right now after the cry I've just had. I feel too emotional, and I'd like to process what I've just experienced." My brain was in a fog, and I recognised I didn't have to get into working things out after what felt like experiencing deep grief which has sat in the bottom on my soul for a long time. I know acknowledging and feeling the pain from those experiences will enable me to move forward and see things more clearly.


I still woke up during the night freaking out that I'm damaging my child.


I hit terror that I was not forcing her to write, read, exercise. I'm just not doing enough. ARGH!! I felt like the worst parent in the world. That perhaps I must be losing it. What have I been doing all this time? Silly me for taking things easy with my child. I panicked that I should have been pushing stuff with her. It's all my fault! The only way I could fall asleep was to remind myself I can work things out during the day – not at 2, or 3, or 4 in the morning!!!


There is no quick fix when it comes to healing. 


Last year was extremely painful for Billie. Her psychologist said the main focus at this time is for Billie to experience long periods of calm. Calm will allow her to rebuild her resilience, be less fearful that bad things will happen to her. Okay, that's our focus.


Learning is very important however her mental health is more important.


Without her mental health, she won't be able to learn, and that's how we got here in the first place. It takes courage to get off the government grid. When people ask about Billie and her homeschooling (which she hasn't technically really started) they think they look normal … calm like … but their eyes are bulging out like how calves look like when they are trying to wrap their tongue around the mild bottle teet. I just think to myself 'ah yes, they're freaking out because what's going to happen to my child if she's not at school?!' Billie is going to recover that's what.


From being in a constant state of fear for over 3 1/2 years.


"The central nervous system causes hypervigilance; the child tunes out all non-critical information."


So learning was not at its peak when she is like this – if at all. By the time I pulled her out of school, Billie had stopped going altogether. So NO learning was happening! She finished her drumming and playing music altogether. Music is Billie's natural love and rhythm, and it was dead. She was raging all the time. Her laughter stopped. Her free spirit was non-existent. It was gone. Teachers said she was fine at school. 


The school made me think she was fine when she wasn't. 


As a child, I ran around at playtime at school. I didn't show anyone my suffering. I hid it. [Masking]. Hiding didn't mean I wasn't suffering. I was really hurting [Internalising]. So Billie did the same. And as a kid, I do want friends. I do want to forget about my suffering. I do want to have fun. Playtime was a time I could do this until I went back into class and home.


There's more to say here but my brains gone dead – input overload. 


I'll ring Karly to see if she wants to get together to finalise some of my book or online program stuff. I'm really excited about the book again. It feels so good getting it right. It was in a mess before. It wasn't quite finished. It never will be, but I am finally at peace with where it is at.


Thank you! 


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August 15, 2019

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