I wanted to upload my website two months back, but I was too scared.
It just so happened the other night around 2 am I was thinking about Roarheart's website. I hadn’t spent any time on it since putting my energies into calculating my spending on my child’s education and disability costs (both not funded by our government) over the past 3 years. Hoping that if we provided this information in a letter about our circumstance to a particular local community group, we might be eligible for some financing for my child's assistant pup which is costing us a small fortune.
I’d lost all motivation toward the Roarheart work and wondered if I’d ever get back to it.
Seeing that I was thinking about it, I thought I’d have a look at it. Why not. I wasn’t doing anything else productive at 2 am. HA! [Watch out here comes the re-sparking for one of my special interests and the super focus kicks in automatically. I have no control people – no control. And I love this about my child and I and how our autism works. It so rocks!] I noticed Wix had half priced deals going for their websites and there was a day to go before expiring. Well, I can’t let an opportunity like this go by so I thought, why not just upload Roarheart just as it is.
Yep, before I wasn’t ready due to terror, then bam! Let’s do this!
Nothing had changed except for a bargain! I spoke to my friend about my last nagging worries that would stop me from launching Roarheart. She reassured me that my website is excellent and actually saddened her that I doubted the fantastic work I had created. But because there’s a load of information about how important it is to have perfect writing to have success I fear my work actually sucks. And I think that's fair enough.
What kind of writer can I be if I'm not good at it?
A lousy writer hopefully with useful experiences to share. What if, humans like myself, who aren’t great at writing, don’t have the skill and/or the time to polish or the money for editors. What then? Do we never share our writings? My friend says no. And you know what, so do I. It’s okay with me that I’m not a great writer.
I’m going to embrace humanness over perfection and ableism!
I remember in grade four, once a week I read with two other children with diverse needs [disabilities]. I was confused as to why I was asked to read with them. I loved reading. I was the student that read the class books before everyone else. But for some reason, I was required to join my fellow disability students for learning. I wonder now if it was because I was not good at writing?
I've never been a good writer.
I am still not a good writer. Many years later when I had the opportunity to ask my grade, four teacher, why she had done that she replied: “either you needed help, or I thought you were there to help them”. Throughout my life, I knew I was very good at many things, and I also knew there were things I knew were easy for others yet incredibly difficult for me. I didn't know I was autistic or exhibited twice exceptional characteristics. I thought I was no good for so long. I have always felt an affinity with those with diverse needs or difficulties, and I’ve always seen them as incredible.
I just didn’t see myself in the same beautiful way.
The book I wrote that is available online to buy is riddled with typos. It's the reason why I don’t tell anyone about it. And still won’t. I can’t be bothered taking it off the market. So it just sits there. For now. To me, it’s still a draft. A draft I've been working on for over 20 years! Yep, it’s one of my special interests! When I get around to uploading the updated, re-re-edited version, I’ll take the draft copy off the market. Well, that's my plan anyway, not that I'm very good at planning due to my tricky executive functioning thingy–ma–jiggy.
I just don’t do things the way people say to do things – I just can’t help it.
There must be room for humans like me to publish imperfect stuff due to limitations. Otherwise, no one will get to read things like mine. And it would be a waste if it could help someone. I stumbled across Penelope Trunk’s post. I cried. For her. She is such an incredible human and reading her post took me to a place within myself that if she can tell all and not be afraid, then so can I.
Her writings always give me permission to be human.
No matter how intelligent and successful she is, she doesn’t hide what’s REALLY going on. It’s that kind of guts [courage] I admire. I love how she shares her limitations. She gives me permission to have them too. She isn't a lesser of a human being because of them. The same goes for me. If anything I admire her even more. I’m forever thinking ‘oh my goodness, you struggle with that too! I didn’t think incredible humans like you struggled with that stuff. Thank god for humans who tell it how it is. It’s soooo helpful and gives me soooo much hope!’
Between my friend, Penelope and Wix discount I decided to upload Roarheart’s web.
Got to love how I make business decisions! Hahahahaha! I don’t know why but I’m not full of fear – yet! It got me thinking. Why don’t I just go ahead and sign up for Grammarly while I'm at it? It would help my blogs and put me at ease that little bit more. So I did. And you know what? It’s really fun! I love seeing all the suggestions it makes and correcting my many many errors in my blogs! It's so repetitive – it's excellent! It's only repetitive with my work because I repeat my mistakes over and over again. LOL!
There's that great writing I've been talking about!
Two posts didn’t make much sense, so I returned them back to the draft file. But the other eight were okay. I only have 292 more draft posts to edit! Ha! I’m not sure which ones I should upload or in what order, so I asked Daisy if she’d help me out with Roarheart's webby. Daisy is one of my amazing autistic women friends in my tight-knit group – they are all brilliant at writing and grammar. Talk about intimidating! I can’t even pronounce the word ‘asked’ correctly no matter how much I try!
Daisy said yes! Thank you!
I feel so lucky to have a human like her to help me out. I figure we’ll work it out as we go. Zanderrs really liked the website when I showed them last week. There's said there are a few things to change, but we can work it out as we go. Nothing like ‘making it up as we go and starting off slow’. The main thing is, I hope the shares are helpful to someone especially when there’s so much more room for writings that allow us to be human and radically accept ourselves and our beautiful children.
This business of fixing and curing our neurology saddens me deeply.
Must go, my child and their other parent are back from their bush walk, and it’s time to head home and continue on with our full and lovely lives. They are both happy. That is awesome!
My child's happiness is what matters the most to me right now.
And thanks to a family member who took the letter [my parent and I put together – okay mainly my parent as they are a brilliant writer and I am not, have I mentioned this before? LOL) to their local community group who approved our request for help. We will receive $500 to go toward the cost of my child's assistant pup! So moved by the loving care of this beautiful family member and those from the community group who supported her advocacy for our little family. I love it when humans are kind and I'm so deeply grateful for my friends supportive words.
Shit I hope launching my website is good timing – too bad if it isn’t! Ha!
STRETCH _ EMBRACE _ SOAR
Whether I accept this or not, or have a diagnosis or not,
it is still true,
I have real limits in some areas and it's okay if I work with them.
INTRAPERSONAL CREATIVE QUEST
To love, trust, revel and lead with our beautiful autistic minds
through knowing and acting on our Roarheart
the inner inexplainable knowledge and truth
~ our intuition ~
Reflect and create a picture or journal the answer to;
Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?
Share with another anything discovered in the Sacred Writing/Creating.
Do I pretend to be able and/or expect myself to be just like someone who is able in an area I am not?
I pause with quiet reflection upon those moments where I am pretending to be able in a way others are rather than embracing in some areas I am different or limited.
TODAY’S THANK YOU
I am willing to THANK all my regretful, angry, fearful and negative thoughts I may have.
I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all that I am aware of now, is how it is has meant to be – to be open to something new.
I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about myself/child, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience with embracing my differences in abilities.
I am open to the possibility of embracing my child's and my own differences in abilities, working with them, receiving new thoughts to love, trust, revel and lead with our Roarheart [our inexplainable inner knowledge and truth – our intuition] learning how to know, direct and master our individualised lives.