Oh my, I’ve got everything! Ha!
Don’t worry, according to some love ones, I’m just going through a phase! LOL! A long, long, long, long phase! Hahahahaha! I can’t remember how I was introduced to the idea that perhaps I had an ADHD brain. But I’ve done a lot of reading about it, and it is singing true to me. Interesting how the female and other diverse humans have been overlooked in the research allowing us to fall through the cracks yet again.
Hmmm…. I wonder why?
I’ve observed in the past few weeks that my mind continually flips from one idea to another nearly instantaneously. Walking through the house I can walk backwards and forwards, like pacing. Because I think I better go and get something. But remember I hadn’t done something else. To then think 'oh yeah I was going to feed the dog', to 'oh, shit I better make sure the window is open for the cooler' and then forget why I've walked to the kitchen cupboard or what I was going to write on my big whiteboard.
I do that all at the same time all of the time!
I drive away from my house only to return because I've forgotten something. I space out when listening to others talk. Ask my past students, they'll vouch for me! Ha! I have a terrible memory for places, names and most things in general. Tidying up the house is very tricky when my brain wants me to do everything at once! I had assumed my struggle with organising, planning, remembering was all down to my autism, my executive functioning. Even though I do have difficulties because of those two things I feel the EXTRA struggle I have may have to do with ADHD. My very hyperactive brain. I've been told like a record "you think too much", "you're doing too much" throughout my life.
I've always wondered why others believe thinking is such a bad thing!
I love my brain because it is super creative, loves to find solutions to everything, assists with my art and design, understanding humanness, researching everything anytime and creating a beautiful way of living for myself and child.
It just needs some assistance to manage the quick moving thoughts.
For example, I didn’t sit down to type up this blog. I actually had time to fix up a blog I wrote a while ago inspired by intunepathways. But when I was about to edit it, I thought I better share my experiences with ADHD before I forgot to, and quickly have a look at the logo I'm designing for my friend and I, and instead watched a video on 'how to create a film' for the assessment for our assistance dogs certification – all at the same time!
Billie wants food. Hopefully, I’ll come back to this, but who knows! HA!
It’s a miracle, I’m back! When my brain flips through multiple things I want to do all at once, my body whizzes with excitement which quickly turns into overdrive, overwhelm and lately I haven’t been able to write any blogs because it all feels too much. I have far less time than I had before since the arrival of our assistance dog and so when I do get 10 mins, like now, to do some of this work, my brain gets really excited about all the other things I need to do as well.
But I can’t do them all.
Then I become super anxious, and if interrupted I get agitated. I don’t like either of those feelings of late. So I’ve been not doing any of it, my work, really because the internal experience which is stress has become unbearable. It not only affects myself it affects how I am with my child and things can spiral down pretty quickly because of it.
As time goes by my resilience to endure suffering continues to lessen.
I can't cope with stress I once lived with, so now I do less, (which is challenging for my brain), however, it creates more peace. I do less very well, rather than do 'more' less well and strung out to my eyeballs. Once upon a time, I use to love this hyped feeling. All that pumped up energy like a rocket ready to take off made me feel alive. That stress is not being alive. It’s stress. And stress isn’t good for my body and isn’t good for my child, assistance dog and those I live with.
It’s such a good feeling getting to know and understand my brain.
People would look at me weird, they still do, because they can’t keep up with how fast I talk and the thousand directions I take the conversation. I try to slow it down for people if they can’t keep up, but they still notice I’m very different from them. I’ve been called many names, and 'crazy' or 'weird' are the most common. I can feel like a real dick for being the way I am when I’m looked at like there’s something wrong with me. Actually, I can walk the Shame Lane for getting too excited or over adrenalised when talking to others.
The other option is to not say much at all.
Sometimes my brain can’t grab onto one thought at all. It goes blank and creates awkward moments. Sometimes I speak over or interrupt the other person when I know I'm doing it but the drive within is so strong. I just can't seem to help it (no control over my neurology). I get so excited I’ve thought of something that I have to say it immediately before I forget or before my other thoughts swallow up the thing I was excited to mention. And trying to act normal at the same time is overwhelming and exhausting. The pressure to FIT IN is everywhere. Humans are terrified of different.
I can’t seem to help being me though.
Good to know there’s a reason why I am the way I am. Will I try to be different. No. Will I try and look for a cure. No. Do I think it’s terrible to have an ADHD brain? No. If anything I’m excited about it because now that I know this is how my mind is, I can look after it better and reap the gifts it brings. All of the trickiness my neurodivergent brain brings always comes with rewards. If I’m willing to celebrate it rather than hate it.
It's a different thinking machine, and I freakin' love it.
STRETCH _ EMBRACE _ SOAR
Whether I accept this or not, or have a diagnosis or not,
it is still true,
my mind has many many thoughts all of the time, that changes track frequently, forgets quickly and finds it tricky to manage every day-to-day living.
INTRAPERSONAL CREATIVE QUEST
To love, trust, revel and lead with our beautiful autistic minds
through knowing and acting on our Roarheart
the inner inexplainable knowledge and truth
~ our intuition ~
Reflect and create a picture or journal the answer to;
Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?
Share with another anything discovered in the Sacred Writing/Creating.
Do I identify with the signs of ADHD?
I pause with quiet reflection upon those moments where I relate to those with an ADHD mind.
TODAY’S THANK YOU
I am willing to THANK all my regretful, angry, fearful and negative thoughts I may have.
I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all that I am aware of now, is how it is has meant to be – to be open to something new.
I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about myself/child, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience with an ADHD mind.
I am open to the possibility of embracing my child's and my own mind and bodies, with it's strengths and it's genuine challenges, receiving new thoughts to love, trust, revel and lead with our Roarheart [our inexplainable inner knowledge and truth – our intuition] learning how to know, direct and master our individualised lives.
7 Tips For Women With ADHD
ADHD Core Signs and Symptoms
Sharing The Shame Lane