TRIGGER WARNING – suicide and violence.
I woke from a dream crying.
It really affected me. I couldn’t shake the feeling or thoughts about it. When I took our assistance puppy for a walk, I cried some more. I knew then it was going to be an emotional day for me. I also knew the dream had a deeper meaning.
In the dream, my child knew they were about to be shot.
They looked at me for the last time for desperate reassurance that I would stop the murders. But I knew there was nothing I could do and because I couldn’t cope with losing my child, I didn’t look at them for that one last time.
My child was shot dead.
I saw the bullet hole in the middle of their forehead. I somehow escaped being shot and was kept alive. There was something significant about this dream and the horrendous pain I felt;
I turned away from my child when they needed me most.
That morning I had a social gathering for parents with children with diverse needs. I expected I would shed a few tears knowing how emotional I was feeling. I arrived after everyone else, and the guest speaker was a professional for diverse needs talking about the new funding system rolling out to our community. Just hearing my friends explain their circumstances was enough to be triggered.
I left the room, sat outside the door and began to cry.
And cry and cry and cry. I didn’t really know what I was so upset about, but I knew it was related to the dream and the experiences that lead my child and I being suicidal before removing my child from mainstream education. My child was only 6.
I lost it.
Luna (my new and wonderful friend) and the group facilitator, came out to see if I were okay. With tears, snot and rocking (stimming – regulating) I told them about the dream. "It was like I shot my child in the head. I was struggling so much at that time that I just couldn’t bare my child's pain when they needed me most. I did that to my child. I did it!"
I know people don’t like it when I say I'm fully responsible.
They think I am carrying unnecessary guilt that others should be blamed for. But that’s not how I experience this. I am the one who forced my child into an environment that they begged me not to, which traumatised both of us. “I can’t believe we all think that it’s okay to see a child and parent suffering in the way that we did.
The educational professionals should have wanted to stop my child from going to school!”
“How do we watch humans suffer like that and think it’s okay!?” Luna and the facilitator took me for a walk to get some fresh air. “I am not insane. I don’t need to be taken to a psych ward. I am suffering from CPTSD”. I knew that much anyway. My friends were really excellent. They allowed me to be the mess I was. This ‘mess’ had been coming for some time. It’s been four years since we left the education system.
I haven’t been emotionally ready for it until now.
It was survival when it was all happening and then recovery after that. The impact of that hideous experience, forcing my child to stay in school, still runs deep within both my child and me. I take 100% responsibility for what happened, so I never ignore my child or myself again.
We will never go back to living a life where we ignore our natural reactions to things or our needs.
We only move forward now; trusting and believing in ourselves, knowing our limitations and our capabilities, leading and revelling in our neurodivergence. We know our bodies best as we live with ourselves every day. We don’t fit into what society expects us to do or be. We love that we don’t. We can now thrive as we learn how to know, direct and master our own lives – bits at a time.
Without societies fear–mongering to make us conform.
Destroying who we are by comparing ourselves to others who are different with different needs, different brains, different bodies which plain and simple work differently.
Doing what others do can kill us – literally.
I feel the dream is a visual story of how I placed too much trust in others; professionals and government systems. I assumed they knew more than my child and me. I was not in tuned. I honestly didn't know our rights and therefore didn't think we had other options than the ones being strongly expressed to us.
The whole time I knew something wasn't right.
The first day of school my child said to me as we were walking out the gate, "This isn't for me". And my child was baffled as to why I didn't listen to them and continued to force them to go there, day after day, month after month, year after year.
I didn't know there was another way to treat neurodiverse children.
[I didn't know my child was an autodidact] I thought I had to make my child neurotypical. That that was the right, mature and responsible thing to do. However, this approach was all about completely ignoring my child's needs and way of being.
It was abuse.
Listening to either of us came last – if at all. And because of that, I watched my child die in front of me. Their sanity, joy for life, love for themselves and others were killed by professionals and a system I assumed knew better, that I SHOULD trust and follow.
The pain I put my child through kills me still to this day.
If I had known what I know today I would have stopped it. But I didn't. I remember the terror in my child's eyes. Desperately screaming "don't take me there! I want to kill myself! Just kill me!" As they were curled up in the car. Unable to breathe. And I took them anyway. I believed the lie that I was the bad parent for causing the "separation anxiety" my child was suffering. Rather than their truth; 'it's okay to abuse a child if we want them to learn and succeed in life. School is the only way to achieve that.'
There's no learning or succeeding in life if we kill ourselves.
That was the only option we thought we had left as the result of being forced to be and live like neurotypicals. Learning was impossible after I finally removed my child from school. The damage was done.
My child or I could not learn or live right after this.
Luna was so amazing as she sat with me when we returned to the group. She became my advocate when we spoke to the guest professional about my child’s and our families situation. As my child's full-time carer I am paying for all their disability and educational costs.
Luna is so gifted with explaining things.
I felt sooooo grateful for their support. When the professional said, funding an assistance dog for my child was a lot of money I firmly stated: "my child’s life expectancy is between late 30's and 55 years if they are lucky. A few thousand dollars is a drop in the ocean for keeping my child alive! You experience privileges all the time, and you don't even know it.
I mean no disrespect."
I looked at her knowing she can work, earn money and further her career as she chooses while I'm lucky to leave the house. "I am disgusted with those who arranged this ridiculous funding system that places parents/carers in a situation to do more unpaid and stressful work than we already are when we're also extremely exhausted further disadvantaging us”.
I was angry.
“You will be an extraordinary human if you succeed at assisting my child in receiving funding for their disability aid – assistance dog, as I know there's only one other family has been successful.” I need to approach this funding scheme like water in my hands. I will do what I can within reason to obtain financial assistance however I hold no hope that we’ll receive it. I will not wait or rely upon their funding.
I will not beg.
I know the system is flawed and pretends to be in favour of those it's meant to help. My child has slipped through the cracks over and over again. I won’t waste my precious energy or time on stress involved with this process. My stress negatively impacts my child's wellbeing – it's damaging. I know that now. It's not worth the money. I am to saviour all my energy to nourish us through each day and night. My child needs assistance NOW to be okay.
I will not stand by and watch others destroy my child this time.
Others will not tell us; what, when or how we need what we need or that they know better, or how we should or shouldn't be. I will seek our options – all of them, not just the limited list that is offered to us. I will not allow unnecessary stress to consume us.
I am now looking my child in the eyes, and I will not turn away.
When my child seeks reassurance, love, understanding, and compassion – I will show up. I will be there. I am here with them right now. I am now present. I am now listening. I am now watching. I am now asking without assuming. I am now paying attention, feeling their feelings. That’s my amends to us both; to love, trust, revel and lead in our neurodivergence.
My child: Their voice. Their choice. It matters. Always.
STRETCH _ EMBRACE _ SOAR
Whether I accept this or not,
it is still true,
there are times I do not listen to my child's or another's experience because either my pain is too great or some professionals
or systems don't agree
INTRAPERSONAL CREATIVE QUEST
To love, trust, revel and lead with our beautiful autistic minds
through knowing and acting on our Roarheart
the inner inexplainable knowledge and truth
~ our intuition ~
Reflect and create a picture or journal the answer to;
Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?
Share with another anything discovered in the Sacred Writing/Creating.
Do I ignore my child's or another's experience because I am fearful?
I pause with quiet reflection upon the moments I am not listening and being intune with my child or others.
TODAY’S THANK YOU
I am willing to THANK all my angry, fearful and negative thoughts I have had.
I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all is how it is has meant to be for me to be open to something new.
I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about myself/child, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience with listening to my child and others and being in tune with them and their experience.
I am open to the possibility of knowing my child's, mine and others beautiful minds being present to the importance of our experiences, receiving new thoughts to love, trust, revel and lead with our Roarheart [our inexplainable inner knowledge and truth – our intuition] learning how to know, direct and master our individualised lives.