GETING OFF THE DEMAND PRESSURE MERRY-GO-ROUND WITH AN INSTITUTION
Another panic attack in our car, outside the school.
I was holding on to the slim hope things would get better for my child. We had been here so many times before. Too many times. Over 2 and half years had passed and most mornings were like this. [Traumatised my child]. We had wonderful specialists, teachers and us as parents to help them overcome their anxieties about going and being at school. [Forcing/keeping my child into a learning environment not right for my child's neurology or spirit damaged them]. I had a business to run and a life to live. However, my days were consumed by chronic stress, inner torment. [I stayed on the Demand Pressure Merry-Go-Round]
We both had become mentally unwell. [Demand Pressure can be life threatening to PDA'ERS].
Day's turned into months, spent at home with my struggling child and their appointments. It had been five days since my child been able to get out of the house or car. I didn’t want to push them too far anymore. Desperate and despairing I had another conversation with an assisting teacher (AT) for support.
The AT asked the same questions and said the same statements.
Leaning back in their chair with their hands behind their head, asked my child (half my height), “Why are you anxious?” and stated, “Other children feel this way” and made the same suggestions “Would you like me to go in with you?” (to class). Turning to me saying that if I stayed with my child I would be reinforcing my child's separation anxiety [mother blaming and misinterpreted my child's panic/suffering and ignored my intuition my child didn't feel safe at the school]. I followed the teacher’s lead as I believed they were experienced and had been ‘here’ before. I developed quiet desperation for my child to go to school so I could prevent the collapse of my business and launching and rolling out my program I had been working on for 20 years.
Then something unexpected happened.
I remembered to pay attention to my intuition – my Roarheart. [I CHECKED-IN]. I had supported a friend through Embrace, Stretch & Soar questions two days before. I observed that their intuition worked especially well during times of great distress and upset. However they, like me, ignored it, believing there was something wrong with them for feeling disturbed because things snowballed and spiralled out of control. I could see that their intuition was onto something though. It was their brain that did not trust, because it couldn’t work it out as quickly as their intuition.
I looked at my child – this time I really LOOKED. [Paused and turned my attention toward my child].
My child’s body was stiff and sucking on their top. They had lost the ability to speak. [FREEZE] I couldn’t think. I too had lost my ability to speak. I couldn’t speak up. [FREEZE] I had lost my way – COMPLETELY. I too thought there was something wrong with me as things had snowballed and had spiralled out of control.
But where was my intuition? Was it speaking to me amongst it all?
“Mayday! Mayday!” It screamed! “Stop and pay attention to this!” I thought. “Here it is! Something is wrong! [CHECKING-IN with my Intraception] Where have our words gone? Where have our happy free spirits gone? Why is my child frozen, knees up to their chest and me, hunched over like a beaten animal?” [Panic attack]. We were suffering and it was getting painfully worse. The things being said were paralysing us! [Demands were at a great cost to our safety and wellbeing, beyond our best interest and capabilities, crippling our abilities].
“This is it!” I thought. “We are dying. This is not who we are!”
Wait … My mind got involved and said, ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! There is nothing wrong with us – our bodies are telling us something is not right. This is not working for us. We have to get out and we have to get out NOW!!!’ [Putting aside everyone's demands and expectations, I worked out what was right for both of us, especially for my child!]
My body stood up and my mouth began to speak – FINALLY!
“I don’t expect my child to work out why they are anxious. I don’t expect my child to know what they need in the classroom to be okay. My child has brilliant people around them and a teacher who has experience working with child with disabilities and yet they are still suffering. There is nothing more we can do without the school providing my child an aid and that is that." [My child's individualised learning and neurology needs were not met by the learning environment].
… I’m going to homeschool.” [We now don't do school, we naturally learn!]
I couldn’t believe it. I paid attention to my Roarheart; I respected, trusted and followed it and so did my body, my mind and my mouth. My legs took charge and walked us straight out the door and out of the school! [We got OFF the Demand Pressure Merry-Go-Round!]
‘Shit! Is this what we’re doing now?’
What now?! What about my business? How the hell can I homeschool my child? I never saw myself as someone who would be capable of this. I was in shock! I stayed in shock for a few days trying to come to terms with my announcement and decision. I had moments of sheer panic: ‘What have I done?” [Saved both our lives!]
Yet there was a calmness within which carried me through.
I didn’t know where it came from. The air smelt amazing. The skies were brilliantly vibrant. Something new was stirring within and while we walked with the children from next door I envisioned a new and wonderful alternative learning. [Free to play and learn] I could see news creations of sculpture and artworks. New buildings to build. New garden beds to dig. New conversations to have and explorations to embrace.
I could see more books were to be written.
I felt a freedom within I hadn’t felt in a long time. A part of me walked back through the door of my soul with stretched arms embracing me with a big ‘HELLO!’ and with a whisper of soft excitement, ‘Are you ready to soar?’ Oh my goodness! In my quite mouse voice response? ‘I think I am!’
My ROARHEART replied: ‘Let’s go then’. [And so we did!!!!]
THE ANXIOUS MOTHER - INTUNE PATHWAYS.COM
PETER GREY - FREEDOM TO LEARN