As Ava read I discovered she had found the BEAST!
She found the mother load. (Got to look that up, not sure if that’s the right expression – yet that will do!) The ‘beast’ is undoubtedly in great abundance in my head when it comes to relationships! Ava read to me the characteristics of Relationships OCD, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
We laughed together at ourselves!
Our brains love to obsess, and we really didn’t know how much until recently. “...sufferers are consumed with doubts about their relationship” Now I’m not in a relationship and as Ava kept talking I come to REALLY understand why. “They question their love for their partner, their attraction to their partner, their compatibility with their partner, and their partner’s love for them”.
I become consumed with a type of thinking that kills my relationships from the inside out.
Some years ago I came to accept the ‘beast’ within me. I didn’t know what the ‘beast’ was exactly, but I knew it was there, alive and well, whether I’m single or not. I am in no delusion that just because I’m okay now, that things would be different for me if I were to be in a relationship. My head gets into overdrive tricky when I am pursuing or with someone.
I just can’t believe there’s a name for this!
I silently suffering from this for so long. I searched high and low to get help for it. “Becoming upset during moments of sexual intimacy because you’re desperate to find passion with your partner.” I opened a twelve step program that was a real helper for me to know what I liked and didn’t want, what I valued and believed relationships. I stopped seeking perfect romance and thinking I had to feel passionate to feel love. I learnt that sex is not a sign of love. The world could have told me that decades ago! LOL! I found my boundaries. I come to see there was a significant pattern in my relationships.
I didn’t understand why, but just that it, the ‘beast’ was there and unstoppable.
“… for constantly second-guessing your love for your partner. ROCD sufferers, these thoughts can be irrational, unfounded and detrimental to day-to-day life”. Oh yes! And the more I talked to others about it the crazier I became. I just couldn’t work out what was good, bad, right, wrong. I couldn’t work out why my feelings or thoughts would change so quickly, abruptly.
I just knew others were not like me and wished I could just be ‘normal’.
I wanted to be ‘normal’ because it appeared to be a hell of a lot easier than what I’d go through when in a relationship. Others just seemed to cruise along. “Speaking to friends about their relationships and comparing it to yours.” Sure they would have their ups and downs, but nothing like I would experience. I could experience their lifetime of trickiness in one minute a thousand times over. Imagine how exhausting that would be! Precisely, really, really tiring!
“Fear that you’re not good enough for your partner.”
This riddled my brain as much as I had a fear that the other person wasn't good enough for me. Insane! “Constantly second-guessing your love for your partner.” For the first 7 years my last relationship that’s all I did. I finally worked out that I wasn’t to try to force the answer to ‘should I stay in the relationship or not’ that I was to stay in the relationship unless I KNEW I had to go.
This stopped my obsessive thinking, without knowing what ‘it’ was.
“Constantly wondering if you’re with the right person”. I wondered every day if I were with the right person because I was consumed with second guessing my feelings for my partners. I say, partners because I had this kind of obsessive thinking with everyone I was with. PAINFUL!
There was a lot of pain and shame in hiding my thinking and feelings.
“An endless quest for the “perfect” kind of love. This obsession keeps you from actually experiencing it.” This one makes me feel sick. I remember how desperate I was when looking for love. I didn’t know that I was desperate. But I was desperate. That desperation would reveal itself, and I couldn’t stop that from happening.
The quest killed good relationships – very sad stuff.
“You pinpoint this “flaw” and think that you couldn’t possibly be with someone like this for the rest of your life.” OMG! This can’t be true! But wait, yes it is! I broke up with a person because they pulled their pants up too high showing the red socks. I couldn’t cope with it.
They had to GO! Hahahahaha!
It’s ridiculous, but at that moment it is so real and valid. I’m so relieved to know – the BEAST – is just OCD! It’s not something I can control. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just my neurology doing its thing in the way that it does it.
Exposure therapy is not my thing.
Love and acceptance will do just fine for me. Oh, easy to say now because I’m not in a relationship!! LOL. However, I do know from personal experience self-love and acceptance has helped tremendously with my other neurologies trickiness. When I try to fix, change or stop the way that I am the more ‘it’ grabs hold and increases with intensity. The fear drives ‘it’ more.
Instead, I’m to pause, relax and embrace who I am, beast and all.
I’m just so happy to know the BEAST better. To understand why I did the things I did or didn’t do, why I said the things I said or didn’t say, why I made the decisions I made, why I suffered so much. I just feel so grateful to put these missing and tender pieces throughout my life together with new compassion and understanding.
I know I am not alone in this – Ava 'gets' this too!
STRETCH _ EMBRACE _ SOAR
Whether I accept this or not, or have a diagnosis or not,
it is still true,
that I relate and identify with the characteristics of Relationship OCD.
INTRAPERSONAL CREATIVE QUEST
To love, trust, revel and lead with our beautiful autistic minds
through knowing and acting on our Roarheart
the inner inexplainable knowledge and truth
~ our intuition ~
Reflect and create a picture or journal the answer to;
Have I thought, felt, done or experienced things like this?
Share with another anything discovered in the Sacred Writing/Creating.
Do I experience unfounded, irrational thoughts in intimate and non intimate relationships that are detrimental to my day-to-day living?
I pause with quiet reflection upon our beautiful autistic minds and the impact our tricky thoughts have in regard to relationships.
TODAY’S THANK YOU
I am willing to THANK all my angry, fearful and negative thoughts I have had.
I will trust, even if I don’t want to, all is how it is has meant to be for me to be open to something new.
I am willing to put aside everything I think I know about myself/child, my life, my past and my future, to have an open mind and a new experience in with my mind (ROCD?) and my relationships with others.
I am open to the possibility of knowing my child's, mine and others beautiful minds and our minds trickiness we might experience in our relationships, receiving new thoughts to love, trust, revel and lead with our Roarheart [our inexplainable inner knowledge and truth – our intuition] learning how to know, direct and master our individualised lives.