“The demands, suggestions and expectations of others – e.g. being directly told or asked to do something, the expected social responses such as saying please & thank you, plus the additional demands, pressure and expectations associated with certain events such as Christmas and birthdays.” – The PDA Society
When we or others ask, suggestion or request anything, our minds demand us to pay attention to what is right for us.
My child and I were born autonomous, free to be who we are, think how we think, and express ourselves as our true selves. We are Powerfully Determined Autodidacts. We are creative beings born to innovate, think outside the box and lead to new explorations. We are not followers.
We were born to lead with our hearts and beautiful minds.
Where there is a demand, suggestion or request, we usually require more information, explanation and time to CHECK-IN with ourselves; our Intraception (what we think and feel both emotionally and physically).
To know what is right for us.
Any pressure of any kind can hinder us. It can take a lot of time to work through resisting others expectations, especially if I want to keep the other person's approval or my reputation.
When others fail to get me to do what they want, they can engage in mobbing. They can accuse me of being "controlling", usually by those who are controlling. It's just an attempt to make me feel wrong about being highly boundaried protecting my families individualised needs.
Controlling what I will and won't do is a wholesome way to be and live.
We like to work things out ourselves even if that means we do things more slowly or make mistakes along the way or go way off the mark. It doesn't matter. It's our choice. It's how we like it. We love choosing the right humans, places and spaces that are right for us and our neurology when it comes to learning.
If we're open to suggestions, we're all good to hear them.
If we're not open to suggestions, we're not open to them, just like anyone else. We've been consistently pressured to be and do things in a certain way that pleases others. There are only a few people we're open to hearing suggestions from, those who respect us.
We've lost trust in people's ability to respect our choices.
Even the lovely well-meaning humans have their limits when it comes to not being able to get us to do what they want. Our autodidact autonomy can rub people the wrong way. We get it. We feel all the same feelings others feel when others don't do what we want.
We have to work through the same emotional and mental battlefield.
We are always required to CHECK-IN with our minds and bodies to be able to receive suggestions. Our spoons might be already full. We could be engaged in a super focus, or in an activity, we need to finish first before shifting our thinking to somewhere else. It could be many things
Sometimes suggestions are demands, expectations and in general interference of some kind.
If I make a suggestion to my child, and they ignore, decline or refuse, and I react negatively, it was not a suggestion. I am not attached to my child, taking up my suggestion. If I am, I am making a demand.
I lose their trust this way. And so I should.
I build my child's trust by being genuine with my intentions accepting their limitations and right to choose.
Our expectations can far exceed our capabilities. Our expectations internalise as demands which trigger our threat response (Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn). My child has asked me many times "why can't I make myself work on a .... that I enjoy?" The expectations we place on ourselves (which could be anything from, working out stuff too quickly, or without help, or too perfectly) can be debilitating in our relationships with others, our work, learning, fun activities, self–care and the list goes on.
Debilitating self-expectations can filter through all areas of our lives.
Our choices are constantly violated when we make a choice that doesn't suit others. Others, like us, like things to flow and go their way and when they don't, others can be very manipulative to try to change our minds.
I did this to my child, forcing them to go to school – I took away their choices.
Against my nature, and overwhelmed by my family, societies and my trauma, I used power over tactics, emotional guilt-tripping and lies.
To make my child with disabilities to do as they were told!
All the things that teach my child how to be "socially manipulative", how to be dominating, intimidating, emotionally manipulative etc. Violating my child's choices over an extended period traumatised us – made us suicidal.
An abusive parenting practice, I shall never go back.
My child's experience of extended educational trauma lead them to be highly in need of being in control; having things a certain way for them to feel safe. My amends for damaging my child so deeply is to meet their individualised needs. To learn how to be a Responsive Caregiver. My child will recover in their own time. I don't get to choose when.
My amends does not get to dictate when – EVER!
"RESIST ORDINARY DEMANDS" – our strong desire to be.
My child, like myself, are very happy to stay in our pj's as long as we possibly can. Getting dressed and changed is annoying. Especially for tactile defensiveness and proprioceptive like us. It's work. It can take up to an hour for me to get ready, as I work out what clothing feels the best for that moment that will hold out for the next so many hours. Putting clothes on and off is tiring and agitating. Especially when I want to get on with things, but I can't because I've got to work out what bloody clothing will feel okay.
I understand the resistance to get dressed, which we only do when we have to leave the house.
There is to be a constant awareness of demands from 'ordinary' or indirect expectations or responsibilities such as; brushing teeth, eating with the family, brushing hair showering/bathing.
These are tricky for my child's mind to work through.
I'm selective about how I say what I say and in what tone I say it without bringing too much attention to something while keeping up with the daily strategies that assist my child.
For example, I'm to remember to bring the toothbrush with us in the car with toothpaste on it or leave it out where they can see it.
With an ADHD brain, I'm to remember to add new alarms (to our Google home) for the strategies that work, such as an alarm goes off at 9:30 for teeth. This reminds me to put the toothbrush out. If my child hasn't eaten, I add a new alarm to remind me later as I'll forget too.
I leave the hair products on the floor of the shower.
Or put fruit near their computer. This way, I've removed the pressure by not needing to talk about the 'ordinary' activity. My child will choose on their own to eat the banana, or brush their teeth, most of the time. Both of these activities present invisible challenges. Such as food can trigger their Contamination OCD.
Brushing hair can be agitating to their tactile system due to being overwhelmed from tiredness or if other sensory systems are overwhelmed.
"DEMANDS – It can be very tiring and difficult to be constantly feeling anxious; pressured by direct or indirect demands".
Harder to do if I am tired, pushed beyond human limits or unregulated. Energy must be reserved for when my chips are down and mindful about activities or humans that reduce my reserved energy for meeting our individualised families needs.
Stress and other people's pressures are the biggest killers for my regulation and capacity to be a Responsive Caregiver that meets my child's diverse needs.
I am to keep my threat response at a low by keeping demands at a low for us both.
"LACK OF COOPERATION"
We have choices and cooperation is a two-way street meaning that if we don't comply the other person is also to be co-operative, supporting our rights, our choices, our neurological choices.
We won't co-operate when it's TOO MUCH or not right for us, just like other people.