Some adults use Anger Pressure Tactics to get someone to do what they want to process their anxiety and panic. A response in the brain when it perceives something as a threat.
A person who struggles in this way may control another or the circumstances to ease their distress. Distress that may have become, instantaneously or increased over time, 'TOO MUCH' for them to regulate. A type of difficulty that drives them to get others to do what they want and need to reduce their anxiety and panic – to be okay.
However, in doing so may have come at the cost of another's, the Target, autonomy, safety and wellbeing.
The Target may misinterpret the Struggling Person's pressuring behaviour and may somehow think they are the cause and take responsibility to fix the situation quickly and DO the things the Struggling Persons wants.
The Target (under pressure, perhaps feeling fear) may make decisions that solely meet the needs of the Struggling Person. Probably at a cost to their child/themselves or family in some way benefiting the Struggling Person more than the Target.
The Target might hope if they do what the other wants, it will reduce and remove the Struggling Person's anger and distress, preventing further pressure upon them.
Not realising the anger and distress is solely about the Struggling Person's anxiety and panic, their individualised and diverse neurology and an inability to prevent, take care of and process their threat response in healthier and safer ways rather than using Anger Pressure Tactics.
The Target who misinterprets the Struggling Person's behaviour as something they caused may react with Fear, Obligation and Guilt or JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or over Explaining). And both could be distracted by this overlooking the root cause.
The spinning wheel begins...
The Struggling Person may want what they want and want it NOW! They may, ask, request, suggest or demand something. They may sound kind, abrupt or distinctly angry and frustrated.
May not be available or be able to assist in the way the Struggling Person wants – for the time being, or at all.
If the Struggling Person's anxiety and panic are either triggered or exacerbated Anger Pressure Tactics may be used to relieve and solve their distressed state.
The Target may feel fearful, upset and deeply hurt misinterpreting the Anger Pressure Tactics as something they did to cause it. They may feedback fear, bitterness and resentment, perhaps experiencing this pressure time and time again from them and/or others.
The Target's reaction or non-reaction can further trigger the Struggling Person's threat responses; anxiety and panic if they are not feeling in control. Terrified of not getting what they want to reduce their inner struggle Anger Pressure Tactics may intensify. Such as retaliating with intimidation, shaming, punishment, abandonment, mobbing, proxy recruiting, physical harm and other threats.
The Struggling Person may desperately want to skip over addressing their anxiety and panic and use more appealing tactics. Hoovering and Staged Intimacy are tactics to re-establish an inauthentic closeness and trust pressuring the Target to overlook any harm they may have caused.
The Struggling Person may act like they are in charge who can do as they please, that others are to do what they want. They may blame and deny they are struggling, that their Anger Pressure Tactics are unacceptable and unreasonable. The Struggling Person might distract everyone from themselves by blaming and accusing others of being at fault.
The Struggling Person may take NO accountability, NO responsibility and has NO desire to accept or change their behaviour; in response to their anxiety and panic. Using Anger Pressure Tactics might work for them. And if so a secure sign that they will continue with this approach regarding their inner distress.
The Target tries very hard to prove that it isn't their fault and might go to any length to make the relationship work. The Target might 'do all the work' in the relationship and become a carer, counsellor, health aid, mentor, community service or a support group with the intention to help all the while assisting the Struggling Person to skip over addressing their anxiety and panic in healthier and more productive ways.
THE STRUGGLING PERSON
They are perhaps rescued, as before, not making any changes, if at all, by themselves. Everything has been done for them and not by them. The Target may have removed all the natural results, effects or outcomes from the Struggling Person. The Target may suffer from doing all the work or experiencing the pain the Struggling Person might have avoided.
The Struggling Person may have avoided the necessary pain or outcomes by successfully using Anger Pressure Tactics. Reassured, they can go on using Anger Pressure Tactics to solve all their anxiety and panic, which for them, makes them feel okay again – for the time being.
The Struggling Person missed the opportunity to relieve their anxiety and panic where they might have taken up responsibility, accountability and to make real change. Instead, now they will more than likely continue using Anger Pressure Tactics overlooking the harm it can cause others, especially the Targets.
The Struggling Person may not be able to cope with openly and respectfully discussing their behaviour as they most likely will do about the Targets and others. The Anger Pressure Tactics work and discussing what they are, and the painful impact they have might highlight their real limitations.
The Struggling Person may not have developed the capacity or capability to experience the pain of what they have done. Conflicting with how they see themselves and what they really can and can't do. The Target is usually pressured to be okay all the time, bending and tolerating the Struggling Persons Anger Pressure Tactics.
The Targets actions have created a precedent of how the Struggling Person relates to them hoping the Struggling Person will change – eventually.
Whatever the Target says doesn't have the same weight anymore. Their actions have supported the Struggling Person's use of Anger Pressure Tactics by saying 'YES' instead of 'NO'. Decisions that establish the Struggling Person to be in charge. Their needs and wants are more important than the Target's.
The Target's autonomy is either less important or doesn't even exist.
The wheel has started to spin.
© ROARHEART 2016