HUGGING MY VULNERBILITY
I stumbled across these words in Roarheart's book, and Relationship OCD was screaming at me.
I know I experience ROCD when entering and in a relationship but reading this I REALLY, REALLY KNOW I DO!
Last night, not able to sleep, words whirling around in my head about the recent chat we had, trying to work out whether or not I should continue with getting to know you more or not.
Many times, many many many times I have ended IT whatever IT is – LOL!
Ending IT is the only way my brain has known how to stop the endless analysis and the pain, real or imagined, Demand Pressure brings. The Pressure to;
Read the situation about what to or not to do.
Work out all the uncertainties (a PDA'er nightmare), the meaning of different tones and between my fear and intuition in these early days of knowing you a little more than yesterday.
Have perfect chats and perfect timing when to or not to call or text.
Force endless solutions.
Then I remembered the words in my book and felt it might be helpful to refresh my memory of the identifiers of ROCD. I was gobbed-smacked with what I read. Like I hadn't read it many times before. It was like someone got the words straight from my head.
The relief was enormous. ENORMOUS!
I giggled at some of the things I do – they seem so ridiculous, but so real when my brain is doing its best to protect me from harm when it doesn't know-how. That's my understanding and lived experience of my OCD's. OCD is an old mate born out of our traumas to save me from ever reliving those horrors.
My child's OCD's are the same. We don't fight them.
We don't force ourselves to recognise how irrational they are. Or force ourselves to expose ourselves to the things that trigger our OCD. We don't try to change our thoughts either. We love our brain for trying to help. They mean well. We radically accept our mind that likes to OCD the shit out of things!
Acceptance reduces increased fear and our OCD self-protection spiral.
It occurred to me that it might be helpful to share some of the things that were terrifying and terrorising my mind to be "clear and true" with you. The aim: to assist my busy mind to be less stressed and thus obsessed. There's nothing to be ashamed about having challenges like these.
I am not alone. So I did.
The timing was interesting and not planned but needed to be aired before I plunged in to kiss you after over a decade of not kissing anyone and nearly two decades since kissing you. As a PDA'er being in your face (physically) when I have something I really want you to hear, is a thing that I do with those I feel super safe with (what I do to my parent and my child does with me) who have hyper-focused and sporadic inattentive brains.
It's intense I know (quite pressuring), but it's so like home to my neurology.
Thank you for hearing the following words even if it was to hurry me up from talking so much so we could happily squish our lips together.
"When you say to me not to analyse too much, please know I analyse the crap out of everything all the time. It's the way my brain works, and I wouldn't have it any other way".
"When you don't call and leave it up to me, it's because I work around the clock and your not sure when I'm available. Is that right?"
"And yes it was me who organised it to be this way - that I ring you!" Lol
"But now I'm worried I'm stalking you, terrified I'm pressuring you. It's totally okay if you don't want me in your life ".
(As a PDA'er I'm terrified I'm pressuring others when I don't mean to).
You looked quite surprised I was thinking this and I felt relieved that you were! LOL
"Oh ... you like me calling you ... yes, I'd like to call you a little more often and send lots of shit your way about my day, but I didn't know if that were okay – what you wanted?"
You were not sure how to proceed with me as I pulled away every time you moved closer to my face.
Oh yes, the Demand Pressure I experience when someone else leads without out my consent! I like to lead when I feel anxiety rise - when I feel Pressured. My anxiety requires to be in control to avoid demands and expectations of self and others — the desire and right to be free and autonomous.
Welcome to Relationship Demand Pressure!
"I think if you were to read some stuff about PDA'ers you would better understand myself and my child. I feel it would be really helpful."
I loved how you said "send it to me" - twice!
You pulled away, physically relieving me of Pressure and allowing me to choose for myself if I wanted to kiss you. My moment of no pressure and I went for it. I moved my face toward yours, and after much lip hovering, we were fully engaged in kissing that took my breath away.
I nearly passed out - literally!
Thank you for the chair, water and a lot of time to recover. As a neurodivergent, my brain is super sensitive to chemicals like the romantic love drug. So that will certainly do me for a while.
If I do any more of that activity, I'll have a cardiac arrest! Lol
Little do you know how you INNATELY put my struggles at ease. Accept me as I am. I thank you for welcoming and hugging my OCD vulnerabilities.
* My mind and body have been calm ever since — a lovely and profound new experience for me. It is so comforting to know I can ask and share stuff, my vulnerabilities with you when my OCD mind is triggered.