Twenty years free from disordered eating, I worked out just the other week, for me, it was a subtype of my OCD!

No wonder pressure, force, self hate, self rejection, silence intensified it and my suffering.

There is one insanity that kicked ass over all other addictions (except for Relationship and Responsibility OCD) and that was my eating disorder.




I suffered from around the time I started high school.

Where pressures and demands increased.

Where the importance of looking HOT was vital for me feeling loved and accepted by those I was attracted to.

I wanted to be attractive enough.

I wanted to be loved.

When I hated all of me.

There's loads of other reasons (Autistic, trauma, sexual assault, abandonment of my super focus') that triggered my obsessive thoughts (OCD) about my body, of food and looking right.

Knowing WHY didn't help me find a way out.

Endless diets didn't find my way out.

Nothing found my way out.

The day I found myself eating whilst going to the toilet (hiding my disordered eating at work!) was it for me.

This beast had won hands down.

I called a friend.

She suggested I accept the way I was. "It's OKAY".

I surrendered.

Every time I went to eat when I was full I said to myself.

"I've been like this my whole life, it's OKAY, it's the way that I am".

Fear lifts.

Panic goes.

Love comes in.

Compassion too.

Love from me to me.

Quietens the beast.

For me.

No more toilet eating for me!

But if I do.

That's OKAY with me.

Beast and I walk together.

I will never beat my beast.

It's a part of my neurology xx

#Roarheart #FAN #EatingDisorder #DisorderedEating